Dear people at the beach
02-07-2020 • Pop • by Ludovica Luvi F
Dear people at the beach, why are you like that? Why is it that wherever I go, no matter how far, I always find you? Why are you always willing to disturb everyone you meet?

Since I'm tired of you shouting, running, splashing and not being able to behave in a proper way, I've decided to write a letter addressing personally to each one of you.

Dear Karen, can I ask you why you feel the need to complain about everything that surrounds you? I get that you're stressed because of your job, but I don't think that making the poor beach guy change your umbrella spot a thousand times a day will help you to relax. I also think that constantly shouting to your kid to be careful while you lay on your towel won't change the situation. Why don't you get up instead of giving headaches to the people that surround you? And last, one final request: could you avoid to fight with your husband over the lunch he forgot to pack? Chances are that you'll probably end up divorced anyways, why don't you save all of your anger for after the holidays?
Dear Hans, the little German kid. How is that possible that every summer you get lost? And if it's not you, then it's one of your other friends, either Marlene or Ulrich. You have to know that every time you think that running away from your mommy is a good idea, the next 5 to 10 hours are filled with a metallic voice that announces that you got lost, and if we find you, we have to return you to Beach 85. What you probably don't understand is that people go to the beach in order to relax, and not because they want to make a treasure hunt.

Dear Desiré and Michael, you know what is not funny? When you run around, chasing each other and you throw sand all over the people who are trying to get tanned. Not cool. We get that you're in love, and everything seems beautiful and flawless to you but you know... if you think running on the beach is romantic then leave and do it when nobody is around. Also, could you avoid eating your faces and including everyone in your way too explicit exchange of romance? It sucks and believe me, nobody in the world wants to see that.
And last, dear Frank, if I see your freaking volleyball flying over me one more time, I swear on everything I own that I will destroy it. If you keep missing the ball it means that you suck and you should try some other sport, like bocce.

You people need to change, get yourselves together and stop annoying me.

Love,

Alice

Illustration by Jasmine Abd El Gelil